June 30, 2012

Reasons why Americans hate soccer

Recently, Detroit City FC and its supporters have been getting a good amount of attention through various media outlets, namely this Detroit News article. While the reporting has been good for the soccer community, the response of the masses largely hasn't. People in the Metro Detroit area and America in general seem to feel very strongly against the beautiful game, so let's sum up some of the main reasons why.

It's boring: Having to pay attention for a whole 45 minutes at a time is hard for some people in the age of ADD America. The only way people will sit through a 4 hour baseball game is if you keep stewards coming to them to keep them fed and having fireworks after the game.

Diving: Understandable, but still debatable. Drawing fouls is a common part of basketball, so why should it be any different in soccer? There are no time outs or tv commercial breaks aside from halftime, so being able to stop the play and start again is a key strategic facet of the game. Let's be clear - I'm not defending the embellishments that we see from certain players, but to say that drawing a foul is a reason not to like a sport is simply ridiculous, considering how often it happens in the other American sports.

Racism/xenophobia: Yes, Americans are still racist and xenophobic (which means you don't like for'ners). Soccer is largely supported by ehtnic minorities in the states, and is seen as something alien by many. Could anti-soccer sentiment be an offshoot of the immigration debate and concern over the rising Latino population of the US?

To make a statement: I'm still not sure what this statement is, other than "there are things that I don't care about, let me tell you about them". If you really didn't care about soccer, you wouldn't feel the need to talk about it. Ever.

It's not a "real" sport: Neither is poker, auto-racing, or the activity known as "fantasy sports"

Anti-soccer enthusiasts in America don't know what it feels like to be absolutely passionate about something, only to have the majority of people around you not only disagree, but who go out of their way to bring you down a peg because of what you like. So let's make them feel the same way.

Football fans: Your sport is based on Rugby, a REAL man's sport that doesn't use pads or have the lengthy artificial breaks in between plays that you need. Admit it, you need those breaks because it's hard carrying 300 pounds of fat 2 yards at a time. You have instant replays that the officials get wrong roughly 50% of the time, despite a mass of video evidence at their disposal. You claim your sport is rough and tough, but you have rules that protect players from roughness. You need 52 men to play 11 positions. Your players wear spandex and touch each others' butts just about every play, but you think soccer is gay. Football is a thug sport, where your coaches cheat their way to the Superbowl, and your teams pay players to injure other players, thus disrupting their livelihood.

Baseball fans: Your sport is based on book keeping and resembles a math story problem. Your players wear dress slacks. It's one of the select few sports where a fat man can be considered athletic, not because of his speed or skill, but because he can hit stuff hard. Your players use more accessories than a fashion show. One of the most exciting moments is watching an old man kick dirt at another old man. Steroids don't even help to make your sport more exciting, and when a player gets caught using them, they don't even have to disprove that they ever took them. Your games are so long you have a point two thirds of the way through each game designated for getting up and stretching.

Basketball fans: Your players are overpaid and went on strike for more money during one of the worst financial crisises in history. There's 4 teams in your entire league that actually garner interest, primarily because of the egomaniacal children that play for them. People only care about March Madness because of sports gambling; nobody gives a shit about Kansas University for the academics. People only ever cheer if a 7 foot tall player does slight hop and places the ball directly into the hoop. Your sport is fixed.

Hockey fans: Your sport went away for an entire season and the entire country didn't even care or notice.  If the Red Wings had a history of losing like the Lions, nobody would follow them. Visibility is so bad at your events that you need a special light to tell you if your team even scored. Your sport is for toothless tough-guys with posture problems. Just admit it, you only go for the fights.

NASCAR fans: I don't use small enough words to really get down on your level, so here's a ball, try not to hurt yourself.


Soccer fans are the best fans there are. Anyone who has been to a match overseas or south of the border will tell you about the atmosphere and how that regular season game was louder than any championship final here. Go to any regular season sporting event in Detroit and you're at just that; an event. People dont go for the game, they go to take the girlfriend or the family out. They go to woo that client and leave early to beat traffic. They get up and go to the bathroom 3 times a game because of all the breaks inserted into play. They go because they're not expected to do anything. People are more excited to do the wave than to pay attention to the game, and it shows. You can't even get fans to applaud good play that doesn't involve a point being scored.

Face it, you're lazy and uninteresting people and you follow slow sports because your brains just don't fire off synapses fast enough any more. You care more about refreshments and accomodations than supporting your local teams. Sure, you buy the gear, but if you cared about your city you wouldn't feel the need to hate on a local team and the sport they play. You make me embarassed to be a Detroit sports fan.